Ebon Beloved
by cagd
Summary: It's 1923 and silver screen god Rudolph Valentino's the cat's pajamas. Drusilla, never one to be left behind, decides that she's the cat to wear them and 24skiddo to anything Spike has to say about it.


_**(Note:** Rudolph Valentino was one of the first male superstars/sex symbols to come out of Hollywood. His movies, "The Sheik" and "Son of the Sheik" caused women to scream and faint in the aisles of the theatres. Valentino's famous burning stare of passion wasn't so much passion as bad eyesight. His early death at the age of 31 caused unprecedented hysterics in 1931._

* * *

_  
Brooklyn, New York, 1923_

Drusilla has a new love.

He is marvelous.

Splendid.

The moon smiles upon him

So does Miss Edith.

Her Dark Star… does _not_.

_Silly old Dark Star!_ He should know by now that it's merely one more infatuation for his Black Orchid – but Dark Stars never understand, do they Miss Edith?

Our Dark Star says, "Valentino? _Bollocks!_ What's that lounge lizard got that I ain't?"

I tell him that he does not have dark smoldering eyes like Valentino's.

He does not have midnight hair like Valentino's.

But Papa Angelus _does_.

So I tell him, "Silly old Dark Star, Valentino is just like Papa, but much prettier!"

This is when our Dark Star snarls nasty words, lights up a cigar and stomps out of our lair, slamming the door behind him.

Leaving his Drusilla and Miss Edith to sigh over the movie magazines with Valentino on the cover.

Valentino.

Valentino.

Rudy Valentino, like chocolate and lice, like crunchy dead mice, your Drusilla swoons to lie in your strong arms.

So does Miss Edith, though her heart is but sawdust.

(Drusilla knows this because she once sliced her darling open with her Dark Star's long sharp razor; there was sawdust everywhere! This made Drusilla sneeze so her Dark Star had to give her his pocket-handkerchief – which was dirty – while he stitched up poor Miss Edith.)

Sigh.

Swoon.

Ahhhhhh, lovely, lovely Rudolph: with his perfect, manly profile and burning dark eyes; just seeing him upon the silver screen makes her Dark Star _snarl_.

Still, Drusilla's Dark Star takes his Drusilla and Miss Edith to the moving pictures every night to see her silver beloved.

Which makes him snarl even more. Still, he watches anyway when he thinks his Dark Opal doesn't notice. His Dark Opal knows this because Miss Edith whispered it into his Dark Opal's ear.

This makes Drusilla laugh like broken glass and carpet tacks!

He slouches all cross and crabby in his chair beside his Ebon Poppy, smoking cigars and snarling.

But he looks.

Oh _yes_, he _looks_!

He looks a _lot_.

Three nights ago he had a barber dye his pretty blonde hair black.

Which was good, but not good enough.

He knew this because his Drusilla told him, "You aren't Valentino; you aren't even Papa Angelus!"

So he stomped out of our lair, smoking cigars and snarling.

Leaving Drusilla and Miss Edith once more to sigh over the movie magazines with Valentino on the cover, and to write him love notes sealed with sweet, bloody kisses.

To Valentino.

_Not_ Drusilla's Dark Star.

The next night he wore an outfit like a desert prince, like Valentino, all bare chested and…

Giggle.

This was good, but not good enough.

He knew this because his Drusilla told him, "You're not Valentino; you're not even Papa Angelus!"

So he stomped out of our lair, smoking cigars and snarling.

Leaving Drusilla and Miss Edith once more to sigh over the movie magazines with Valentino on the cover, and to write him love notes sealed with sweet, bloody kisses.

To Valentino.

_Not_ Drusilla's Dark Star.

Last night he wore a bullfighter's outfit and stared at his Drusilla with narrowed eyes.

Which was good, but not good enough.

He knew this because his Drusilla told him, "You aren't Valentino; you aren't even Papa Angelus!"

Then she said, "And stop squinting at your Ebon Beloved like that. It makes you look like you need glasses!"

So he stomped out of our lair, smoking cigars and snarling.

Giggle! (Drusilla and Miss Edith can't wait to see what he'll do tonight!)

We don't have long to wait – tonight he is smiling and looks like our usual Dark Star, all smug and full of cigar smoke and blood.

Not Valentino.

Not even Papa Angelus.

He said, "All right pet, you win."

Hurrah, Drusilla has won!

Won what?

Still, Drusilla clapped her hands and jumped up and down, but not too much because Drusilla is a lady and ladies don't jump up and down too much.

"I've a lovely surprise for you!" And our Dark Star smiled and helped us into his automobile after helping us into our best frock and shoes – the ones with the pointy heels and sparkly bits on the toes – and put a blindfold on his Ripe, Wicked Plum.

Oh my, what sort of sweaty game does this Dark Star have in mind? Drusilla does not remember anything like this on the silver screen!

Will the games be in the back seat?

Will the games be in the rumble seat?

Will the games be with Drusilla's legs over the steering wheel and her head on the floor?

Not knowing is very exciting!

But there are no games.

No games at all.

Sigh.

How very disappointing.

Instead of games, Drusilla's Dark Star drives her through the night like lightning, only pausing to run over policemen.

Drusilla knows that policemen were run over because of the thumpity-bumps and the way her Dark Star laughs when he runs over poliecemen!

But Drusilla is too interested in her surprise to even ask to stop to drink up policemen.

Soon Drusilla's Dark Star stops the automobile.

There is the sound of boats on the river and cars on the road and a banging noise that Drusilla and her Dark Star aren't making in the rumble seat, the back seat, or even the front.

No, the banging is outside the automobile entirely.

Whatever can it be?

"Well, pet, I hope you like it, your prize!" Drusilla's Dark Star helped his Sweet Sable out of the car because she had been a good girl; she left the blindfold on and couldn't see the alligators or the ground beneath her favorite pointy, sparkly shoes.

"Ready, poodle?" Drusilla squealed and giggled, clapping her hands, or she would have clapped except that her hands were holding Miss Edith and couldn't clap.

"Tah-dah!" Drusilla's Dark Star took off her blindfold and said, "Look!"

Drusilla and Miss Edith looked which is hard for Miss Edith as she left her blindfold on.

Regardless, there was a sign that said "R. Valentino, Mechanic" in front of her.

_R. Valentino?????_

Oh, what a wonderful Dark Star, to bring his Drusilla to her beloved, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful Dark Star - Drusilla would swoon except that it would mean that she would land in a puddle and get her pretty frock all dirty and she wants to look her best for her beloved Rudolph…

Eeeeeeeeeeeee!

"Ready to meet _Valentino_, pet?" Our Dark Star grinned.

Why is our Dark Star grinning?

This is the grin he wears when he's up to no good, which is usually good because it means messy fun…

Still, why is he grinning?

Who cares about a Dark Star's grin when there's VALENTINO to worship!

"Take me to him. Take me to Rudolph this very instant or I won't hit you with the riding crop ever again even if you beg!" Drusilla demanded, tidying her dress and hair.

Drusilla's knees feel all wobbly like that pink dessert, Jell-O.

Drusilla has never felt like Jell-O before, ever.

But Drusilla has never been this close to her beloved before, her Dark Star being but a mere diversion…

"Take me to him, take me to him now!"

Our Dark Star grinned, "If you insist, pet!" He opened the door to Valentino's Garage. Why would such a prince as Valentino live in a garage? Perhaps he is shy and doesn't care to be bothered – this is why his house looks like a garage with old tires and barrels of smelly, black oil.

Our Dark Star is still grinning.

Why is he grinning?

Pooh on our Dark Star, _Valentino!!!_

"Hey, Valentino," Our Dark Star called over the banging that makes Drusilla's head ache.

"Whaddya want?" somebody called. Drusilla and her Dark Star walked around another pile of old tires.

"Got somebody what wants to meet you!" Our Dark Star said, still grinning, "A real fool for you."

"Come back later. Gotta pound out this bum fender by tomorrow!"

"This won't take long." Our Dark Star held his Drusilla steady; her knees had flown away into the night with the weasels…

"All right, all right, make it snappy!"

Drusilla is about to see her beloved, her true love, her genuine Dark Star…

…

… ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… oh?

"Pet, I want you to meet R. Valentino, Rudy to his mates!"

This isn't Drusilla's true Dark Star.

Drusilla's true Dark Star has strong arms, a flat stomach; his hair is sleek and dark…

This Dark Star has strong arms, but his stomach hangs over his belt, his hair is missing, his teeth are yellow and there's grease on his face and…

Oh, the moon weeps, Valentino, the moon weeps; something has happened. You have a hairy back and a big stomach and your head's too big for your hair so that it pops out on top and…

Waaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiilllllll!

No wonder Drusilla's Dark Star was grinning; he knew the truth!

Waaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiilllllll!

It was all an evil spell, not in the good way, but in a big belly and smelly armpits covered with grease, belchy way!

Waaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiilllllll!

Take me home, my sweet William, take your Drusilla and her Miss Edith home - it is too much!

Our sweet William, our Dark Star, the real Dark Star, took his Drusilla, his Midnight Pearl of Great Price in his arms and mumbled, "Should have thought of this earlier, Bloody hell, who knew the Dago had a cousin in the..." He laughs as Drusilla weeps; her dreams all smashed to the ground like mummy's best vase.

Miss Edith says not a word as still laughing, sweet William puts her and her Drusilla back into his automobile.

And Valentino? Valentino is not all glittery in a bullfighter's suit upon the silver scream for Drusilla to worship.

No!

Valentino is only a smelly mechanic with a big belly, lying on the greasy floor of his palace, staring up at the ceiling with dead codfish eyes because Drusilla doesn't care to indulge in sweaty games with her legs over the steering wheel and her head on the floor on an empty tummy!


End file.
